Finding myself.

Following on from my last post I thought I would write more about who I am (or think I am) and how I came to my conclusions. Firstly I am so happy that I have been a teenager and survived! The confusion, insecurity and fear I felt at that age are so much to bear. When I was a teen and going through the process however I thought that the adults who talked about being a teenager and hating it were so up themselves. I used to think “well no one wants to be you anyway you has been!” (Yea kinda harsh I know …that was the spiteful teenage me remember). So anyway I remember feeling so lost and out-of-place. Yes I had friends and my family didn’t even seem so bad at the time, but I could not quite understand why life was the way it was. I had so many questions about myself, the world and society.

I remember questioning God and wondering why bad things happened. Why couldn’t God just make everyone good and get rid of all the evil impulses, pain and hurt that people had been through? Why were people born with diseases and disabilities? Why were some people more important than others? Why couldn’t we all just be equal? I had so many questions and even until now I have very little answers. However what has changed since my teens is my perspective. The way I look at life now is not the same. I am not as selfish and self-absorbed as I once was. I am fine with knowing that I will never know everything and have learned that the best way I can give to the world is by being the best person I can be.

So…who am I?

The question in itself is very loaded so we will break this down. The first thing you should know about me is that I am a beautiful, talented woman created perfectly just as I am. I may not always feel like it…but I am. I had to believe this to get comfortable in my own skin. Take note I did not say I understand it. I just know and believe I am.

I have always found comfort in reading and writing. I wrote a lot of poems and songs, read and sang a lot as well as spending a lot of time reading my Bible. Just like most there were people I could look to for love but at the same time my family was not perfect and I found myself questioning a lot about my identity. Over a process of time I grew to sincerely love myself, believe I was beautiful and talented and began to enjoy life a lot more not caught up in the worry of other peoples opinions.

Below is a video of some of my poems I wrote in my first and second years of university. I was 18/19 at the time. The poems are from a poetry series I entitled ‘Paper Pills’. I named the poetry series this because the words, the writing process and the end product provided me with a lot of emotional and mental healing.


About Plantain Periodicals

Hello! Welcome to the Plantain Periodicals blogs. The name stems from the kitchen moments I had with my friends at university cooking plantain and planning our lives together. I have used this space as a window into my mind and the way I make sense of all my experiences through writing.This is where I share those conversations and moments that happen inside my head as a young woman growing up in 21st century London. Hopefully you'll be entertained and also learn a thing or two. My main blog ad: My literature blog: NMx
This entry was posted in life, Morning Devotions, Purpose in life and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to Finding myself.

  1. mannymoments says:

    Wow! I really loved your poems. You have a really great narrative voice Nissi. I would love to see the remaining parts of the paper pills series. Keep up the great blogging!

  2. Madison Woods says:

    You have a very beautiful voice and form. I wish I could sound so strong and appear so comfortable on camera and audio. Loved the message of your poems.

  3. Nissi knows everything and all – I have no doubt with a face like that!
    What a stunner you are. Love the poetry.Never give in Nissi – never truly conform.

  4. I love your work. Be encouraged and continue to shine!

  5. A. McGrew says:

    I really enjoyed your videos and your written word. It’s moving. Great job!

  6. blackceezar says:

    Beautiful poems and message.

  7. Risk Driven says:

    I Loved your post! Your poems so eloquently expressed what I now face while searching for the silver lining on the other side of young adulthood.

  8. adalamar says:

    Love your poems and your writing. You do have a great voice. Thank you for sharing. 🙂

  9. adalamar says:

    I loved this and posted a piece of it on my blog. 🙂

  10. The Taxi Dog says:

    an unflinching look at youthful questions of love and physicality. you’re work is poignant, passionate, and persuasive. i feel the energy, the yearning, in your words.

    thank you for sharing.

  11. The Taxi Dog says:

    oh, yes. and i love plantains. especially fried with a little cinnamon and sugar.

  12. gethappy says:

    Wonderful!! wonderful!! poem from one our generations greatest poets. You are so talented, I loved the silence in between your well articulated words.In that silence, the well crafted words sunk really deep to my conscience.

  13. LOVE these poems and the way you had them filmed. Super creative woman of depths – love your process, how you have moved through the “male knife and gun culture” you grew up in and emerged transformed. Wow. Good stuff, all.

  14. willofheart says:

    wow…..I love the way u presented the piece in the videos, nice voice…. this is great! … 🙂

  15. mariamccloskeyblogspot says:

    Really enjoyed your posts and look forward to seeing more.

  16. So much power and passion in your prose. Very nice. 🙂

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