Following on from my last post I thought I would write more about who I am (or think I am) and how I came to my conclusions. Firstly I am so happy that I have been a teenager and survived! The confusion, insecurity and fear I felt at that age are so much to bear. When I was a teen and going through the process however I thought that the adults who talked about being a teenager and hating it were so up themselves. I used to think “well no one wants to be you anyway you has been!” (Yea kinda harsh I know …that was the spiteful teenage me remember). So anyway I remember feeling so lost and out-of-place. Yes I had friends and my family didn’t even seem so bad at the time, but I could not quite understand why life was the way it was. I had so many questions about myself, the world and society.
I remember questioning God and wondering why bad things happened. Why couldn’t God just make everyone good and get rid of all the evil impulses, pain and hurt that people had been through? Why were people born with diseases and disabilities? Why were some people more important than others? Why couldn’t we all just be equal? I had so many questions and even until now I have very little answers. However what has changed since my teens is my perspective. The way I look at life now is not the same. I am not as selfish and self-absorbed as I once was. I am fine with knowing that I will never know everything and have learned that the best way I can give to the world is by being the best person I can be.
So…who am I?
The question in itself is very loaded so we will break this down. The first thing you should know about me is that I am a beautiful, talented woman created perfectly just as I am. I may not always feel like it…but I am. I had to believe this to get comfortable in my own skin. Take note I did not say I understand it. I just know and believe I am.
I have always found comfort in reading and writing. I wrote a lot of poems and songs, read and sang a lot as well as spending a lot of time reading my Bible. Just like most there were people I could look to for love but at the same time my family was not perfect and I found myself questioning a lot about my identity. Over a process of time I grew to sincerely love myself, believe I was beautiful and talented and began to enjoy life a lot more not caught up in the worry of other peoples opinions.
Below is a video of some of my poems I wrote in my first and second years of university. I was 18/19 at the time. The poems are from a poetry series I entitled ‘Paper Pills’. I named the poetry series this because the words, the writing process and the end product provided me with a lot of emotional and mental healing.